Why I Really, Really Do Not Rate Autumn

Pumpkin spice latte, falling leaves and getting cosy? Ugh, I'm having a (tongue in cheek) rant...

I’ve made a promise to myself (and to you) where this post is concerned: I will not use the word “hate”. I shall not use the word “hate” in this newsletter once. Not once.

(Whispers to self) =do not use the word hate do not use the word hate try not to be negative try not to be negative=

(And that’s four times already. Good start.)

So - where do I begin? Basically… I don’t get it. I just. Do. Not. Get it.

The internet: Don’t get what?

Me: Why, autumn, of course.

The internet: Huh? But it’s the season of romantic walks in the woods! With leaves rustling under your feet! And pumpkin spice lattes (they’re delicious). And cosy evenings under blankets with a roaring fire. And wearing lots of layers. And bonfire night with all the amazing fireworks.

Me: No, it’s not. It’s the season of wind and rain and unwelcome drops in temperature and it’s when my garden becomes a quagmire because the sun isn’t warm enough to dry out all the squelch and I don’t drink coffee anything so it’s a No thanks to pumpkin latte spicy whatever and darker evenings are so depressing because sudden darkness at 5 pm is all sorts of wrong and I can’t be bothered with all the coordination that’s involved with layering plus I want my hands to be warm when I go outside and my dog is absolutely petrified of fireworks so it enrages me when they go off at random times of the day and night so I find autumn all so very ughhh and depressing =AND BREEEEEEATHE=

The internet:

Me: (still getting my breath back and holding back an audible grrrr)

The internet: Oh but carving pumpkins is so fun? And didn’t I hear you say something about not being negative…

Me: Who? Me? (scoffs) Pfffft, what gave you that idea…

Sorry for the rant, but Autumn is just not “me”

Okay, yeah… I’m writing about my disdain for autumn (still haven’t said “hate” yet. Doing well so far).

It never occurred to me before the internet came along. Before social media. Before online marketing.

I never thought too much about my dislike of autumn because I never had all the “amazing” things about autumn thrust in my face before the world went online.

I was happy just to cling onto summer come September, enjoy the last few days of reasonably light evenings in October, battle my way through November and December because I do like Christmas and then cling onto some sort of hope that every day between 26th December and 31st March will whizz by faster than you can say Oh wow, Wimbledon starts on Monday.

But now - now - I realise I am in the severe minority when it comes to all things crunchy-leafed and pumpkin-spiced. I literally had no idea that people liked autumn with all its cursed dark evenings, cold wet weather and slimy leaves on the ground. What’s to love about that? I thought everyone’s favourite season was summer, like mine.

But the internet taught me otherwise.

It seems every man, woman and their pile-of-raked-up-leaves-loving dog revel in the demise of long evenings and summer dresses weather. Not me, however.

I know it’s undoubtedly a geographical thing; I’m sure, as a nation, Brits tend not to relish the colder, wetter weather because that’s usually what we’ve been living with anyway all summer.

Quite often we get to September and find ourselves still willing summer to get started. We very rarely get a long, hot summer. 2023 was typical: a fairly average April and May, four bizarre weeks of hot weather and sunshine in June, then hideous storms and one or two nice-ish days in July and August before a mini heatwave in the first week of September. To be honest, June was an anomaly - we rarely get “weeks” of sunshine, let alone months of it.

(I love the irony that “summer” - when paired with this calendar year - sounds SO much better than the “Summer of ‘18” which really WAS a long hot summer in the UK. “The Summer of ‘23” sounds fabulously romantic and nostalgic, but weather-wise it was a shitshow. It shall now be known as the “Shitshow Summer of ‘23”.)

Therefore when autumn kicks in, it’s painful. It’s the realisation that summer has really, truly ended. It’s horribly dark. It’s horribly sad. I swear it’s no coincidence that Seasonal Affective Disorder’s acronym is SAD. I audibly mourn (i.e. moan about) the end of summer every single year, even more so when the clocks go back at the end of October.

Me, every Sunday after British summer time ends: I can’t believe it’s getting dark so early. It only seems like the other day we were still sitting in the garden at 9 pm. Why is it so dark?

And I say that like it’s never happened before. Like I’ve never known what it’s like for it to get dark at 4 or 5 pm, let alone the fact that it’s happening for the 51st time in my life.

But just as the Earth goes round the Sun, I say it every year, without fail. And every year I wonder why everyone is adoring all things autumnal. Why they’re fawning over fall.

Autumn, romanticised

This is what I think the idealised version of autumn - as touted on social media every time September rolls around - looks like:

All cosy, romantic sitting rooms with a roaring fire and candles and artfully arranged pumpkins.

The AI image generator added all the pumpkins off its own back, I didn’t even need to type the word in. Obviously it’s been scrolling Instagram a lot lately and thought that pumpkins were a given seeing as I typed in the word “autumn”.

AI image generator: You want autumn cosiness and a fireplace, you say? Well, here’s all of that PLUS the bonus of an indoor tree with its leaves all over the floor, lots of candles and a ton of pumpkins scattered round the room. You wanted pumpkins, didn’t you? Of course you shall have pumpkins, you asked for autumn. Shall I include a pumpkin spice latte somew———

Me: =CLOSES TAB AND SIGHS=

Or how about this idealised, fantasy image of autumn:

Ahhh yes - soft, glowing sunlight on trees with orange and yellow foliage scattered amongst a medieval town of stone buildings and bridges with a gentle, flowing river running through it… the AI image generator is definitely an autumn fan.

Me: =ROLLS HER EYES=

Getting back to reality for just a moment, THIS is what autumn actually feels like to me:

Wet streets. Wind. Rain. Cold. Dankness. Mud (which you can’t see but I’ll bet your bottom dollar it’s there lurking round the corner). Everyone dressed in black carrying black umbrellas. No one saying hello to each other because it’s just Too. Damn. Cold. And all of that at 3:15 in the afternoon.

And as if I haven’t grumbled about autumn enough:

• I do not like drinking coffee whilst snuggled up under three blankets. Hygge schmooger.

• I do not like being cold or wet, or both.

• I do not like dealing with the inevitable floordrobes that happen each morning when layering is a necessity and I’m in a rush.

• I do not like dark mornings and short days. Anything before 8 pm is not an acceptable time for the sun to set.

Instead:

• I like a cold beer or a G&T whilst sitting on the garden deck.

• I like sunshine and being comfortably warm.

• I like throwing on a summer dress and choosing a hat and a cute pair of sandals to wear with it.

• I like sunrise at 4 am and sunset at nearly 10 pm. I no longer bake myself in the sun, but I’m still a vitamin D junkie.

As I said right at the beginning, I did not say I hate autumn. I’ve said I do not like it, I said I have disdain for it, I said I dislike it and I described how I grumble about it. But I didn’t say I hate it (not directly, anyway. I’m treading carefully seeing as The Entire Internet is against me).

The one autumnal thing I DO like

I will admit, however, that there’s one part of autumn that makes me a complete and utter hypocrite: its colour.

Or, should I say, colours (plural). I LOVE an autumnal colour palette in my wardrobe and in my home. The Holy Grail of colour palettes is, for me, a muted combination of dirty orange, mustard yellow, sepia brown and mossy green. I’ll add the occasional peach, salmony pink or coral, but everything comes back round to that basic set of orange, yellow, brown and green.

This is the design of the vinyl covering I’ve just applied to the panels of some cupboard doors at home:

Peel & Stick Vintage Flower Contact Paper (affiliate link)

All the delectable autumnal browns, peaches, yellows, oranges and a muddy, mossy green. I absolutely adore it and couldn’t believe my luck when I finally found the design I’d been looking for, which up till that point was in my head only. As Chandler Bing would say (RIP the late, great Matthew Perry 😢​), Could it BE any more autumnal?!

Deliciously warm, muted colour palettes aside, autumn is just not for me. You can keep your pumpkin spice lattes. You can snuggle under all the blankets you want. I’ll be making a G&T, sitting under my SAD lamp and consuming vitamin D supplements, counting down the days till we’re back to British summer time again (150 days at the time of writing).

Though secretly, I’ll also be fawning over my burnt orange sweaters and chunky brown boots, admiring my upcycled linens cupboard with its sludgy-coloured 70s floral panels. Shhh, don’t tell anyone…